THFC 5-0 NUFC

It truly was Shite Hart Lane for Pardew’s Mags last night as the patched-up midfield surrendered meekly in front of a rampant Spurs to remind Harry Redknapp just what he’ll be leaving behind should he take on the world’s biggest football job at England.

Pardew tried to go attacking, with a 4-4-2 allowing the Dembii to start together for the first time, but all of the pre-game plans were blown away in the first 6 minutes, as Assou-Ekotto and, surprise surprise, Louis Saha both grabbed goals to give Spurs a blistering start.

United had a fair chunk of possession but were creating nothing and, in the words of Chrissy Waddle, ‘sow sloppee’ on the ball, and were consistently punished, as Saha grabbed his second and Spurs’ third on 20 minutes, and Kranjcar made it four on the half-hour.

The central midfield of Perch and Guthrie, who had played so admirably last week against Villa, were blown apart by Parker and Modric, and Williamson and Simpson were also hugely under par and found Saha and especially Adebayor far to hot to handle on a freezing night in North London.

Pardew threw Ferguson on for the ineffective Obertan at half-time, but to no avail, and Spurs grabbed their fifth just after the hour mark, Adebayor grabbing a deserved goal to go with his four assists for his evening’s work.

United saw out the last half hour with no further shipped, but it was a night to forget on and off the pitch, as the Spurs’ fans and media fawning of Harry Redknapp rose to vomit-inducing levels. On the bench, Hatem Ben Arfa yet again field to appear, and concerns must be rising as to whether a future lies ahead for the enigmatic Frenchman on Tyneside.

The travelling Mags were, however, yet again utterly magnificent in the face of a drubbing on he field, backing their lads until the 90th minute and beyond, and, despite the hammering, we remain in sixth place and only a point from the Champions League places, and need to bounce back in a fortnight’s time at home to Wolves.

Match Preview & Predictions - Spurs (A) - Premier League - 11/02/2012 - Live on ESPN - 17:30

This weekend’s game see’s us play tax dodger supremo and future England manager Harry Redknapp’s Spurs.

 Spurs are currently the second most in-form team in the league, along with that shower of shite down the road in terms of results.

 Unlike their game on Monday night against Racistpool, Spurs are thought to a few of their absentee’s back, whilst we are still without Tiote (ACON) and Cabaye (suspended), as well as the rest of the players out for the remainder of the season.

 Our Thoughts:

 @therealrobbo – Again the curse of the late KO, with Man Utd playing Liverpool in the early KO at Old Trafford any result by United will no doubt spur on an already flying Tottenham side.

We rarely get anything at WHL and I can see this going with form unfortunately, just given the timing and the fact that there droopy faced manager is off the back of a high, I can see Spurs really pulling together and the fact they have a near full squad to choose from this will be tough.

 However we have some fight and I would expect that we can score and I think the game may not be a walk over for Spurs, but I hate to say it but I expect the defeat come 8pm Saturday.

 Prediction: 3-1 or 2-1 Spurs

 @rammlet – Can’t see us getting anything at Sh*te Hart Lane – with the players we have missing (still) and the form Spurs are in it will be extremely difficult, but maybe the Redknapp situation might just be a distraction for the Cockernees

 Prediction: I still expect them to turn us over though, and I’m going for a 2-0 home win.

 @mattypnufc – Pissy fucking shitty bollocks! Shit time to play these cunts if there ever was one and especially when Newcastle are without our best central pairing.

Can’t see us getting anything whatsoever, with their performance at Klannfield earlier this week fresh in my memory, it gives me a slight glimmer of hope that if we have a good day and a bit of luck we might nick something. Fucking Spurs man. Toss.

Prediction: Lose 3-1

Shola is a little sad this week as he reckons we’ll get beat too.  Poor Shola.

NUFC 2-1 AVFC: Your #5WordReviews

There were, to put it mathematically, a fuckton of #5WordReviews sent to us yesterday and today. Here are our favourites:

@lovetheturret: Double Dembas doesn’t disappoint…like
@David_Mullan: Ciss9 gets lost in warmup!
@Doddsy9: I love the Double Dembas
@howay51: Dembas went in two by two (that’s 6 but who cares?)
@AndrewBThompson: Perch is Busquets in disguise
@SamBaldwin19: Papiss poaches Pardew’s precious points
@Hayrr: The Dembas take the Papiss
@Bromptonite: Let’s not forget Tim Krul
@ToonTeg: Deadly Double Dembas Vanquish Villans
@MontyMag: Weak refereeing yields unnecessary injuries
@billyjoelismint: Never mind Cissé, Perchy’s mint
@blefuscu74: Let’s all laugh at Villa
 @IainReynolds: Demba Demba sink the Sulker
@sytuck1977: The Demba Boys are coming!
@LeeSibbald: So where’s your messiah now?
@teeweeM: Newcastle are still riding luck
@Bully5HVFC: Laugh last, laugh the longest 

And our favourite, for the sheer brilliance of the wordplay, the pun and the clever use of limited words goes to: 

@Rob_Hardie85: Newcastle won against Aston Villa 

NUFC 2-1 AVFC

A wonderful debut strike from Papiss Demba Cissé gave Pardew’s Mags another crucial home three points to keep the charge for - don’t snigger - the Champions League places on track.

Pardew shuffled his pack again, this time starting with a midfield of Raylor, Guthrie, Perch and Jonas in a four-man midfield, with Leon Best partnering the returning Demba Ba up front, only for him to lose Best early on, giving the opportunity for Demba II to make his debut.

And it was the original Demba who gave the lads the lead on the half-hour, when he swept home following a blocked Ryan Taylor effort on his return from the African Cup of Nations. Raylor was badly injured in the process - inadvertently it seems from a Stephen Warnock block - and was carried from the field with his leg in a splint, though Pardew has since said that the injury was not as bad as first feared.

United were struggling at the back though, with N’Zogbia and Bent both causing problems for the back four, and after various close-shaves, Robbie Keane finally equalised in the fourth minute of first-half injury time after he touched home from close range following an N’Zogbia cross.

Villa again had their chances in the second half, but the Mags did also, with Cissé guilty of a very poor miss from 6 yards from a Guthrie cross, before he popped up with a goal of stunning quality to give our boys all three points.

Jonas swung in a beautiful ball from out left, which found it’s way to Cissé, who controlled and stuck a stunning left-foot strike high into Shay Given’s net to the delirium of another packed SJP.

United found themselves hanging on in the later stages, but came away with another great three points, and credit must go to James Perch for another tidy performance in the centre of midfield.

Chelsea went one point clear again with their 3-3 draw with Man Utd later on, but we continue to surprise, frustrate and impress in equal measures and remain 9 points clear of that eighth place and could - just could - find ourselves back in Europe.

BRFC 0-2 NUFC

United snuck away with a rare three points from Ewood on Wednesday night as an goal from Scott Dann and a first for Gabriel Obertan gave Pardew’s Mags a 2-0 victory.

Fortune favoured us for the first time in a while, and shone on Ryan Taylor when his strike from outside the area took a wicked deflection off Scott Dann and wrong footed Paul Robinson to give a 12th minute lead.

Blackburn spent the majority of the game piling forward, and United had Tim Krul to thank for keeping them ahead, when he made an excellent double save from a David Dunn penalty and then from the rebound by Gael Givet, and despite Blackburn’s dominance - Danny Simpson yet again blocking a goal bound effort on the line, United hung on, and hit Rovers with a sucker punch in the 96th minute when a superb through ball from Danny Guthrie played in Obertan, who calmed stroked the ball home.

Arsenal’s draw meant that United moved up into fifth position, and t was a real pickup for United following two poor defeats, keeping up the frankly incredible charge towards the Champions League places.

Pardew admitted afterwards that it was a lucky result, but with the Dembii back on Sunday, United can look forward to three home games in four, starting with Villa on Sunday.

BHAFC 1-0 NUFC

On a cold January’s night in Brighton, United yet again tumbled out of the FA Cup to lower league opposition in a meek and feeble manner.

Just as we did at Stevenage last year, we surrendered our last chance of silverware for another season, this time to the irritating scrote Gus Poyet and his ragbag team of limited but passionate players.

United lined up with only one change from Fulham, with James Perch replacing the injured Colo, but it wasn’t at the back where United looked weak - with our midfield and ‘forwards’ particular poor on a shocker of a night for the Mags.

With Shola up top, Leon nominally out left, and Ben Arfa on the right, and with the position of Jonas open to debate, United kept possession well but posed almost no threat to the Brighton goal, save for a couple of Leon Best efforts, one of which was an excellent touch and shot just wide, the other a poor header over.

With Danny Simpson and Ben Arfa showing very little down the right, it was left to Leon and Cabaye/Guthrie to pose an attacking threat, but they failed to do so as United once again crashed out of the cup in the early rounds as the likes of Stevenage progressed.

The only goal of the game came when WIll Buckley cut inside and saw his shot take a critical deflection off Mike Williamson and into the United net. The travelling Mags tried to rouse their heroes, but they never looked like equalising, and were lucky to keep 11 men on the field, with Cabaye seemingly kicking out at the bald, chip-on-the-shoulder centre half Adam El-Abd.

And so another trophy less season for United, and with some warranted (and a lot of unwarranted) criticism sent the way of the players, Pardew and co will need to make amends on Wednesday night at Blackburn, where we may have the services of our Senegalese Dembii, fresh (or not) from their elimination from the African Cup of Nations.

Match Preview & Predictions - Brighton (A) - FA Cup - 28/01/2012 - Live on ESPN - 17:15

After last weekend’s second half capitulation to Fulham we face a stern test down the south coast against a decent Brighton team.

With the team currently on a ‘refresh’ break in Tenerife, Newcastle will be looking to bounce back from Saturday’s terrible second half display.

Gus Poyet (still despise this prick for those goals in that semi-final) is in the dugout for them and former Newcastle player Lua Lua is set to come back from injury. 

Our Thoughts:

@therealrobbo – Well…talk about a game of 2 halves! What happened at Fulham should be brushed aside for this potential banana skin.

Brighton just lucky to get past a spirited Wrexham side will be looking to knock United out of the cup live on TV (déjà vu anyone). Most ties of this nature are unpredictable and I can see both teams scoring and United perhaps coming away with at least a draw.

Prediction -   United to shade this 2-1 or 1-1 and a 40 yard screamer from Brighton which will be showed ad-infinitum every cup weekend football focus from now until the end of time.

@rammlet - We really should be taking the FA Cup as seriously as possible, there’s no point in playing a weakened side when all we want to do is win some silverware finally.

Having said that, I would like to see the likes of Vuckic and Abeid get a run-out, but ideally not too many changes.

If we play a reasonably strong side we can get a victory though for some reason I see us struggling. If we could get them back to SJP I’d be reasonably happy (apart from the extra game).

Prediction -  I’ll say score draw and United through in a replay.

@mattypnufc – The FA cup is an important competition in these parts.  Perhaps devalued due to the big clubs not giving too much of a fuck over the years sadly, it remains our best possible way of achieving silverware and European qualification.  We have to go all out for it.

We should be putting out a full strength team, however with three games in quick succession, changes will probably be made and probably the same as Gaz has said, put Vuckic & Mehdi in. 

It will be a tough game as Brighton aren’t an easy team especially at their place.

Prediction -  A 2-0 to us or an exciting 2-2 with the replay back at St James’.

Shola is still a happy lad even after last weekends game.  A pint of exhibition please pet.

FFC 5-2 NUFC: Your #5WordReviews

After Saturday’s capitulation at the Cottage, here are your #5WordReviews:

@johnnylilley Winning till Gaz turned up (Yep - sorry!)
@Ludachris14: A game of two halves
@JamJarWilkie: It’s time for fooking beer
@blufescu74: Dempsey demolishes dire defending demonstration!
@CHNOSotP: Three points forfeited. Moving on.
@WeAreTheMags: There’s only one Eff-in Fulham
@NufcKev: What the FUCK happened, lads?!
@DaveBrennan: High defensive line fuck up
@McQue88: Did that really just happen?
@Cooperi4: Where the fuck’s our defence?
@DaveByrne1980: What happened at half time?

…and one which wasn’t even a 5WordReview but sod it, I’m putting it on anyway:

@AndyMarkSimpson: It’s National Pie Day today! 

FFC 5-2 NUFC

The Jekyll and Hyde United rocked up at Craven Cottage yesterday as we dominated a very average Fulham side in the first half then capitulated to an invigorated Fulham in the second.

Leading 1-0 at half time through a Danny Guthrie goal, Pardew’s Mags managed to throw it all away in a spectacular fashion, conceding five goals in a half with only one Hatem Ben Arfa strike to comfort the blows.

United started with Ben Arfa replacing Ryan Taylor on the right on the midfield, and dominated a first half where the fluidity of passing and movement was only let down by poor finishing - Coloccini and Shola guilty of missing the worst of the opportunities before a spectacular strike from Guthrie sent United in deservedly ahead.

Whatever was said during the half-time break backfired in a monumental fashion, as the horrible little-footed shite Damien Duff won a pathetically weak penalty after a ‘push’ from Davide Santon. Murphy despatched the penalty, and from that moment on disaster followed for the forlorn Mags.

Dempsey added a fortunate second as Tim Krul’s save from Zamora’s shot hit him in the chest and over the line, and it was three minutes later, when Dempsey shot across Krul.

The fourth goal in 17 shambolic minutes came when another harsh decision, this time against Tim Krul, resulted in a second penalty, which was despatched down the middle by Bobby Zamora.

Hope was temporarily restored with another excellent strike from Hatem Ben Arfa, but Dempsey claimed his hat-trick when a simple ball over the top left Williamson and Colo looking like they were running in treacle, and the American slotted past Krul.

It was a bizarre game and a shocker of a result, but United are a stronger and more resolute side than they have been for many years - and all around the club will be expecting a response at the Amex Stadium in Brighton on Saturday in the FA Cup Fourth Round.

Match Preview & Predictions - Fulham (A) - Premier League - 21/01/2012 - 15:00

Saturday’s game against Fulham comes on the back of three United back to back home wins in January (League & FA Cup respectively).

In a traditional 3pm kick off, we face a Fulham team who are having a mixed season in terms of results, however look to be a steady side at home.  Only 3 teams have maximum points at Craven Cottage so far this term.

Along with Ba, Tiote and new signing Papiss Demba Rodney (Dave) Cisse is also away at the ACON.  Fulham are thought to be without Demblele and Schwarzer.

Our Thoughts:

@therealrobbo – Newcastle are coming into this game on the run of 3 wins and are the team on form, however without sparks of magic in previous games we have struggled to break teams down, now back on the road this could be a very low scoring affair and Fulham are favourites at evens, with NUFC out to 14/5 with some firms.

This I think will be a tight affair and I would be more than happy with a point, but no real reason why we couldn’t take 3 if the team find their shooting boots as Fulham look weak in front of goal and have no clean sheet in their last five league games.

Prediction - Therefore would go for Besty first and last goal and perhaps a 0-0 or a 0-1 NUFC win.

@rammlet - This is going to be tight and we don’t have a great record at Fulham down the years. At lot may well depend on Cabaye’s fitness and whether Pardew has the bottle to start with Ben Arfa.

The likes of Guthrie, Shola, Best etc have a lot to prove with their respective replacements off at the ACON so I think it’ll be an interesting match.

Prediction - I can’t see us winning but I don’t think they’ll turn us over either, so I’m going to go for a score draw.

@mattypnufc – Personally speaking I think this game may be asking too much for our stand-in strikers to do a job.  Saying that with the arrival of a new body it may just push Shola into activating his ‘can be arsed’ chip. 

Fulham are one of those teams that can be brilliant (Arsenal at Home) or shite (Blackburn Away), depending on their mood.  Ruiz looks a tidy player and could see him nicking a goal.  If Andy ‘bloody’ Johnson plays then he’ll no doubt get a goal too.  Stop Danny Murphy (I know…he’s not that good, he’s old etc but always plays a blinder against us) and we’ll win.

Prediction - . It all hinges on the midfield battle for me.  If Cabaye and Guthrie start then we’ll win 2-1. If not, I’ll go for an optimistic score draw like Gary.  

Shola is still at broon ale buoyant level of glee at the moment!

NUFC 1-0 QPRFC

United made hard work of turning over Mark Hughes’ new QPR side, but beat them they did at an abso-fucking-lutely baltic SJP this afternoon.

Despite his wonder goal last week, Hatem dropped to the bench with Ryan Taylor starting out wide right and Danny Guthrie starting in the middle, while Shola and Best started up top.

QPR had the best of the chances, with both the irritating Jay Bothroyd (not very good) and Shaun Wright-Phillips (past it) going close to breaking the deadlock for the visitors.

Yohan Cabaye was forced off on the half hour after a typically scything challenge from Shaun Derry, and was replaced by Hatem Ben Arfa as Pardew shuffled the pack and the formation, with what looked like a 4-3-3 allowing Barfa and Best to attack from wide behind the front man Shola.

It was Leon who opened the scoring, after good work from Shola and Guthrie found him in the area, and he cut back inside the defender and slotted expertly into the bottom corner past Fat Paddy Kenny.

A scrappy game was not helped by Hughes usual kicking tactics, and as half of the QPR side found themselves in the book, the game failed to find any flow.

Ben Arfa looked lively out wide again, and Santon and Coloccini were once again foot-perfect at the back, while Jonas and Guthrie put their stamp on the midfield effectively.

For QPR, it was another defeat that leaves them cemented in the bottom three, but, with Arsenal losing at Swansea later this afternoon, United jumped to sixth, level on points with the Gooooooooooners and only four off the Champions League places.

NUFC 2-1 BRFC: Your #5WordReviews

Here are your #5WordReviews for Saturday’s 2-1 win over Blackburn:

@tomlowson: HBA with Ba mint potential
@Grappa_King: Shite match 2 great goals
@krisbainy: Lay off Obertan kernts
@themanmellow: Who’s been drinking my syrup?
@Zadeh7: He’s here, there, everywhere…SPIDERMAN!
@Jobey07: Finally he’s up and Hatem
@Ludachris14: Shola, Shola, Shola, Shola, Shola
@tomnufc: Blackburn chicken out after goal
@iamgeordie: Don’t Boo Newcastle United Players!
@graeme_ncl: We’ve a star in Santon
@CHNOSotP: Thank god no Rovers replay
@halliday_9: Benny must play right wing
@michael9nufc: The return of the mask
@martin__wilson: Demba gone, Hatem skins em’

Thanks for your entries - any you wanna add..comments below! 

– Robbos delightful rant post Blackburn match.

NUFC 2-1 BRFC

Newcastle advanced to the fourth round of the FA Cup yesterday with a tight 2-1 victory over Steve Kean’s Blackburn.

Pardew shuffled his pack, with Ben Arfa partnering Best up front, and Mehdi Abeid starting in the middle with Yohan Cabaye.

United started brightly again, with chances for Cabaye, Best and Ben Arfa all going awry, before Blackburn hit United with the old sucker punch, when Morten Gamst Pedersen’s corner was bundled home eventually by David Goodwillie.

A frustrating afternoon seemed to be heading for another early exit from the cup, before a change from Pardew galvanised his stuttering army. Shola was introduced for the very poor Obertan (the substation of whom was embarrassingly cheered by sections of the healthy 30k crowd) and Ben Arfa was pushed wide right.

The change paid dividends, as Ben Arfa seemingly felt the weight of the world off his shoulders, and began tearing Blackburn apart out wide, culminating in a goal which, without even a hint of hyperbole, would not have looked out of place if scored by Lionel Messi.

Barfa picked the ball up centrally, beat three men before advancing into the area. Despite almost losing possession, he managed to roll his foot over the ball, and cut back inside onto his left before smashing an unstoppable strike past Blackburn keeper Bunn.

It was a truly magnificent goal, later described by Pardew as the best he’d ‘ever seen’ - and the day was capped when time-wasting and crowd baiting by Bunn was punished in the best manner possible, as Jonas played a one-two with Leon Best before dinking the ball over the keeper into the net in the 94th minute.

It was a deserved, if unspectacular, victory for the Mags, but we are in the hat for the next round, and the displays of Ben Arfa, Jonas, Davide Santon and the home debut of Mehdi Abeid were all worthy of note as we await the fourth round draw at 1730 on Sunday.

Match Preview & Predictions - Blackburn (H) - FA Cup - 07/01/2012 - 15:00

In a new weekly feature, starting today, we will gauge opinions and predictions from all three of us of the week’s forthcoming game and perhaps a few of the other games too.    

As everyone knows, the FA Cup Third round takes place this weekend and countless replays of THAT bloody goal will be shown across the country.

In the oldest and best domestic cup competition we are facing fellow Premier League opposition Blackburn Rovers on an unusually fashionable 3pm kick off.

In our past three years in the competition, we have progressed just once (Plymouth - 2010) and have been knocked out twice (Stevenage - 2011 & Hull - 2009).

Our thoughts:

@therealrobbo – If we play a good strength squad I think we will have a good chance to progress, I’m sure Blackburn would prefer to concentrate on their relegation battle so it could be a good chance for some of the ‘2^nd’ teamers to strut their stuff.

Prediction: I would think there might be a few shocks but can see us winning 2-0 or 2-1 but I don’t think it will be as the league game was last year when we pummelled them.

Other games are obviously the Manchester Derby (Man City to win) and I think the Mackems will also win at Peterborough.

@rammlet - No doubt this will be a case of ‘after the Lord Mayor’s Show’ with the brilliant midweek win being followed up with a poor performance.

It doesn’t matter though as long as we go through, and Steve Kean and his Venky’s may well be focussing on staying in the division. 

Prediction: 2-1 NUFC with Morten Gamst Pedersen scoring for them, as always.

@mattypnufc - I can see us winning this one.  Blackburn should be concentrating on the league and will be putting priorities on trying to stay up.