It truly was Shite Hart Lane for Pardew’s Mags last night as the patched-up midfield surrendered meekly in front of a rampant Spurs to remind Harry Redknapp just what he’ll be leaving behind should he take on the world’s biggest football job at England.
Pardew tried to go attacking, with a 4-4-2 allowing the Dembii to start together for the first time, but all of the pre-game plans were blown away in the first 6 minutes, as Assou-Ekotto and, surprise surprise, Louis Saha both grabbed goals to give Spurs a blistering start.
United had a fair chunk of possession but were creating nothing and, in the words of Chrissy Waddle, ‘sow sloppee’ on the ball, and were consistently punished, as Saha grabbed his second and Spurs’ third on 20 minutes, and Kranjcar made it four on the half-hour.
The central midfield of Perch and Guthrie, who had played so admirably last week against Villa, were blown apart by Parker and Modric, and Williamson and Simpson were also hugely under par and found Saha and especially Adebayor far to hot to handle on a freezing night in North London.
Pardew threw Ferguson on for the ineffective Obertan at half-time, but to no avail, and Spurs grabbed their fifth just after the hour mark, Adebayor grabbing a deserved goal to go with his four assists for his evening’s work.
United saw out the last half hour with no further shipped, but it was a night to forget on and off the pitch, as the Spurs’ fans and media fawning of Harry Redknapp rose to vomit-inducing levels. On the bench, Hatem Ben Arfa yet again field to appear, and concerns must be rising as to whether a future lies ahead for the enigmatic Frenchman on Tyneside.
The travelling Mags were, however, yet again utterly magnificent in the face of a drubbing on he field, backing their lads until the 90th minute and beyond, and, despite the hammering, we remain in sixth place and only a point from the Champions League places, and need to bounce back in a fortnight’s time at home to Wolves.
The boom/bust cycle remains very much in full swing, and as you can probably already tell, we’re heading (if not already there) into the very height of the cycle, where optimism regarding the derby will be coming to a crescendo in the next month.
What you will see and hear:
‘Better squad on paper’
‘Your bubble is bursting’
‘Played no-one’
‘Put your money where your mouth is’
‘We’ll see in the derby’
and of course, the customary
‘9-1 9-1 2-1 2-1 ROFL LMAO FTM’
Remain your usual, calm and collected self during this time. Do not approach any stray Mackems in the street as they may be venomous. Remember, this will all disappear post-derby, and we will then be in the longest stretch of the cycle where the derby defeat will be painful, their best players will leave and the manager’s reputation will decrease and decrease.
This was yet another public service broadcast by the boys at ShiteSeats.
There were, to put it mathematically, a fuckton of #5WordReviews sent to us yesterday and today. Here are our favourites:
@lovetheturret: Double Dembas doesn’t disappoint…like @David_Mullan: Ciss9 gets lost in warmup! @Doddsy9: I love the Double Dembas @howay51: Dembas went in two by two (that’s 6 but who cares?) @AndrewBThompson: Perch is Busquets in disguise @SamBaldwin19: Papiss poaches Pardew’s precious points @Hayrr: The Dembas take the Papiss @Bromptonite: Let’s not forget Tim Krul @ToonTeg: Deadly Double Dembas Vanquish Villans @MontyMag: Weak refereeing yields unnecessary injuries @billyjoelismint: Never mind Cissé, Perchy’s mint @blefuscu74: Let’s all laugh at Villa @IainReynolds: Demba Demba sink the Sulker @sytuck1977: The Demba Boys are coming! @LeeSibbald: So where’s your messiah now? @teeweeM: Newcastle are still riding luck @Bully5HVFC: Laugh last, laugh the longest
And our favourite, for the sheer brilliance of the wordplay, the pun and the clever use of limited words goes to:
A wonderful debut strike from Papiss Demba Cissé gave Pardew’s Mags another crucial home three points to keep the charge for - don’t snigger - the Champions League places on track.
Pardew shuffled his pack again, this time starting with a midfield of Raylor, Guthrie, Perch and Jonas in a four-man midfield, with Leon Best partnering the returning Demba Ba up front, only for him to lose Best early on, giving the opportunity for Demba II to make his debut.
And it was the original Demba who gave the lads the lead on the half-hour, when he swept home following a blocked Ryan Taylor effort on his return from the African Cup of Nations. Raylor was badly injured in the process - inadvertently it seems from a Stephen Warnock block - and was carried from the field with his leg in a splint, though Pardew has since said that the injury was not as bad as first feared.
United were struggling at the back though, with N’Zogbia and Bent both causing problems for the back four, and after various close-shaves, Robbie Keane finally equalised in the fourth minute of first-half injury time after he touched home from close range following an N’Zogbia cross.
Villa again had their chances in the second half, but the Mags did also, with Cissé guilty of a very poor miss from 6 yards from a Guthrie cross, before he popped up with a goal of stunning quality to give our boys all three points.
Jonas swung in a beautiful ball from out left, which found it’s way to Cissé, who controlled and stuck a stunning left-foot strike high into Shay Given’s net to the delirium of another packed SJP.
United found themselves hanging on in the later stages, but came away with another great three points, and credit must go to James Perch for another tidy performance in the centre of midfield.
Chelsea went one point clear again with their 3-3 draw with Man Utd later on, but we continue to surprise, frustrate and impress in equal measures and remain 9 points clear of that eighth place and could - just could - find ourselves back in Europe.
United snuck away with a rare three points from Ewood on Wednesday night as an goal from Scott Dann and a first for Gabriel Obertan gave Pardew’s Mags a 2-0 victory.
Fortune favoured us for the first time in a while, and shone on Ryan Taylor when his strike from outside the area took a wicked deflection off Scott Dann and wrong footed Paul Robinson to give a 12th minute lead.
Blackburn spent the majority of the game piling forward, and United had Tim Krul to thank for keeping them ahead, when he made an excellent double save from a David Dunn penalty and then from the rebound by Gael Givet, and despite Blackburn’s dominance - Danny Simpson yet again blocking a goal bound effort on the line, United hung on, and hit Rovers with a sucker punch in the 96th minute when a superb through ball from Danny Guthrie played in Obertan, who calmed stroked the ball home.
Arsenal’s draw meant that United moved up into fifth position, and t was a real pickup for United following two poor defeats, keeping up the frankly incredible charge towards the Champions League places.
Pardew admitted afterwards that it was a lucky result, but with the Dembii back on Sunday, United can look forward to three home games in four, starting with Villa on Sunday.
On a cold January’s night in Brighton, United yet again tumbled out of the FA Cup to lower league opposition in a meek and feeble manner.
Just as we did at Stevenage last year, we surrendered our last chance of silverware for another season, this time to the irritating scrote Gus Poyet and his ragbag team of limited but passionate players.
United lined up with only one change from Fulham, with James Perch replacing the injured Colo, but it wasn’t at the back where United looked weak - with our midfield and ‘forwards’ particular poor on a shocker of a night for the Mags.
With Shola up top, Leon nominally out left, and Ben Arfa on the right, and with the position of Jonas open to debate, United kept possession well but posed almost no threat to the Brighton goal, save for a couple of Leon Best efforts, one of which was an excellent touch and shot just wide, the other a poor header over.
With Danny Simpson and Ben Arfa showing very little down the right, it was left to Leon and Cabaye/Guthrie to pose an attacking threat, but they failed to do so as United once again crashed out of the cup in the early rounds as the likes of Stevenage progressed.
The only goal of the game came when WIll Buckley cut inside and saw his shot take a critical deflection off Mike Williamson and into the United net. The travelling Mags tried to rouse their heroes, but they never looked like equalising, and were lucky to keep 11 men on the field, with Cabaye seemingly kicking out at the bald, chip-on-the-shoulder centre half Adam El-Abd.
And so another trophy less season for United, and with some warranted (and a lot of unwarranted) criticism sent the way of the players, Pardew and co will need to make amends on Wednesday night at Blackburn, where we may have the services of our Senegalese Dembii, fresh (or not) from their elimination from the African Cup of Nations.
After Saturday’s capitulation at the Cottage, here are your #5WordReviews:
@johnnylilley Winning till Gaz turned up (Yep - sorry!) @Ludachris14: A game of two halves @JamJarWilkie: It’s time for fooking beer @blufescu74: Dempsey demolishes dire defending demonstration! @CHNOSotP: Three points forfeited. Moving on. @WeAreTheMags: There’s only one Eff-in Fulham @NufcKev: What the FUCK happened, lads?! @DaveBrennan: High defensive line fuck up @McQue88: Did that really just happen? @Cooperi4: Where the fuck’s our defence? @DaveByrne1980: What happened at half time?
…and one which wasn’t even a 5WordReview but sod it, I’m putting it on anyway:
The Jekyll and Hyde United rocked up at Craven Cottage yesterday as we dominated a very average Fulham side in the first half then capitulated to an invigorated Fulham in the second.
Leading 1-0 at half time through a Danny Guthrie goal, Pardew’s Mags managed to throw it all away in a spectacular fashion, conceding five goals in a half with only one Hatem Ben Arfa strike to comfort the blows.
United started with Ben Arfa replacing Ryan Taylor on the right on the midfield, and dominated a first half where the fluidity of passing and movement was only let down by poor finishing - Coloccini and Shola guilty of missing the worst of the opportunities before a spectacular strike from Guthrie sent United in deservedly ahead.
Whatever was said during the half-time break backfired in a monumental fashion, as the horrible little-footed shite Damien Duff won a pathetically weak penalty after a ‘push’ from Davide Santon. Murphy despatched the penalty, and from that moment on disaster followed for the forlorn Mags.
Dempsey added a fortunate second as Tim Krul’s save from Zamora’s shot hit him in the chest and over the line, and it was three minutes later, when Dempsey shot across Krul.
The fourth goal in 17 shambolic minutes came when another harsh decision, this time against Tim Krul, resulted in a second penalty, which was despatched down the middle by Bobby Zamora.
Hope was temporarily restored with another excellent strike from Hatem Ben Arfa, but Dempsey claimed his hat-trick when a simple ball over the top left Williamson and Colo looking like they were running in treacle, and the American slotted past Krul.
It was a bizarre game and a shocker of a result, but United are a stronger and more resolute side than they have been for many years - and all around the club will be expecting a response at the Amex Stadium in Brighton on Saturday in the FA Cup Fourth Round.
Looks like we have a striker incoming after all, as Papiss Cisse allegedly jetted into town to become our first January signing.
Knowing diddly-squat about him, we’d like to say how delighted we are with his signing, and how excited we are to see him finally strutting his stuff in the black and white stripes*.
*Unless it all falls through, in which case we’d never heard of him, so he must be shit.
United made hard work of turning over Mark Hughes’ new QPR side, but beat them they did at an abso-fucking-lutely baltic SJP this afternoon.
Despite his wonder goal last week, Hatem dropped to the bench with Ryan Taylor starting out wide right and Danny Guthrie starting in the middle, while Shola and Best started up top.
QPR had the best of the chances, with both the irritating Jay Bothroyd (not very good) and Shaun Wright-Phillips (past it) going close to breaking the deadlock for the visitors.
Yohan Cabaye was forced off on the half hour after a typically scything challenge from Shaun Derry, and was replaced by Hatem Ben Arfa as Pardew shuffled the pack and the formation, with what looked like a 4-3-3 allowing Barfa and Best to attack from wide behind the front man Shola.
It was Leon who opened the scoring, after good work from Shola and Guthrie found him in the area, and he cut back inside the defender and slotted expertly into the bottom corner past Fat Paddy Kenny.
A scrappy game was not helped by Hughes usual kicking tactics, and as half of the QPR side found themselves in the book, the game failed to find any flow.
Ben Arfa looked lively out wide again, and Santon and Coloccini were once again foot-perfect at the back, while Jonas and Guthrie put their stamp on the midfield effectively.
For QPR, it was another defeat that leaves them cemented in the bottom three, but, with Arsenal losing at Swansea later this afternoon, United jumped to sixth, level on points with the Gooooooooooners and only four off the Champions League places.
A propos nothing at all, here are some, entirely random, quotes from Harry Redknapp:
“Samba’s a good player. A real good player. I like the pair of them”
When asked about Chris Samba and Gary Cahill - neither of them Spurs players
Demba Ba’s done great hasn’t he? Everybody’s looking at him suddenly.
Newcastle United’s Demba Ba that is
I’ve always liked him. I think he’s a fantastic goalscorer. I wouldn’t stand here and say, ‘No, never’ because if I signed him, you’d say I was lying
On Chelsea’s Nicolas Anelka
We have had good reports of what is obviously a good player. But he belongs to Celtic and that’s as far as it’s gone
On Celtic’s James Forrest
Drogba is a top player, a fantastic player, so, who knows? I couldn’t sit here and say we wouldn’t be interested
On Chelsea’s Didier Drogba
Yes, I like him. He’s a fabulous player and would be a brilliant addition to any team. It was put to us that he might be available, but we’ve not made contact with his club Sevilla and, to be perfectly honest, I haven’t sat down to discuss any transfer targets with our chairman Daniel Levy, apart from trying to do a deal with Joe Cole.
On Sevilla’s Luis Fabiano and Chelsea’s (at the time) Joe Cole
I would not want to be putting the chairman under any pressure to buy Pienaar but at £2 million to £3 million, he’s certainly not dear, is he?
On Everton’s Steven Pienaar
The chairman is talking. I don’t get involved on that side of it. I identify a player and the chairman does everything else. I like him very much. He is young with a good future
On Newcastle’s Seb Bassong
I like ‘Crouchie’ and I would take him any day of the week. But I just don’t know whether Liverpool would be willing to sell him.
On Liverpool’s Peter Crouch
There’ll be more. I just can’t be arsed to any more. Knob.
Here are your #5WordReviews for Saturday’s 2-1 win over Blackburn:
@tomlowson: HBA with Ba mint potential @Grappa_King: Shite match 2 great goals @krisbainy: Lay off Obertan kernts @themanmellow: Who’s been drinking my syrup? @Zadeh7: He’s here, there, everywhere…SPIDERMAN! @Jobey07: Finally he’s up and Hatem @Ludachris14: Shola, Shola, Shola, Shola, Shola @tomnufc: Blackburn chicken out after goal @iamgeordie: Don’t Boo Newcastle United Players! @graeme_ncl: We’ve a star in Santon @CHNOSotP: Thank god no Rovers replay @halliday_9: Benny must play right wing @michael9nufc: The return of the mask @martin__wilson: Demba gone, Hatem skins em’
Thanks for your entries - any you wanna add..comments below!
Newcastle advanced to the fourth round of the FA Cup yesterday with a tight 2-1 victory over Steve Kean’s Blackburn.
Pardew shuffled his pack, with Ben Arfa partnering Best up front, and Mehdi Abeid starting in the middle with Yohan Cabaye.
United started brightly again, with chances for Cabaye, Best and Ben Arfa all going awry, before Blackburn hit United with the old sucker punch, when Morten Gamst Pedersen’s corner was bundled home eventually by David Goodwillie.
A frustrating afternoon seemed to be heading for another early exit from the cup, before a change from Pardew galvanised his stuttering army. Shola was introduced for the very poor Obertan (the substation of whom was embarrassingly cheered by sections of the healthy 30k crowd) and Ben Arfa was pushed wide right.
The change paid dividends, as Ben Arfa seemingly felt the weight of the world off his shoulders, and began tearing Blackburn apart out wide, culminating in a goal which, without even a hint of hyperbole, would not have looked out of place if scored by Lionel Messi.
Barfa picked the ball up centrally, beat three men before advancing into the area. Despite almost losing possession, he managed to roll his foot over the ball, and cut back inside onto his left before smashing an unstoppable strike past Blackburn keeper Bunn.
It was a truly magnificent goal, later described by Pardew as the best he’d ‘ever seen’ - and the day was capped when time-wasting and crowd baiting by Bunn was punished in the best manner possible, as Jonas played a one-two with Leon Best before dinking the ball over the keeper into the net in the 94th minute.
It was a deserved, if unspectacular, victory for the Mags, but we are in the hat for the next round, and the displays of Ben Arfa, Jonas, Davide Santon and the home debut of Mehdi Abeid were all worthy of note as we await the fourth round draw at 1730 on Sunday.
It’s been more than a decade since United last beat Man Utd, but my god it was worth the wait, as Pardew’s Magpies rolled over the Champions and embarrassed them at their own game at a blustery SJP.
United hassled, hurried and gave their opponents no chance to play, and with Demba Ba on the field, goals are never far away.
When the line-up was announced, it was certainly greeted with a groan from this reporter, but Pardew got it bang on this time - and how - with his selection of Ryan Taylor on the right of the midfield and Shola up top with Demba Ba.
Man Utd had their first chance very early but the impeccable Colo intercepted Ryan Giggs’ attempted through ball, and Dimitar Berbatov’s header was deflected just wide of Krul’s post, but United had chances of their own, with Ba, Cabaye and Tiote all have shots stopped by Lindegaard in the Man Utd net.
United’s goal came from a direct route, but it was certainly no Stoke-style effort, as Shola flicked on Krul’s punt forward and found Demba Ba, who, reminiscent of Duncan Ferguson in 2000, turned a struck a wonderful volley into the Leazes net.
United should have had a penalty when Rio Ferdinand brought down Demba Ba, but his Man Utd teammate Howard Webb waved away the appeals.
United started the second half in a glorious fashion, when, after Phil Jones had brought down Demba Ba 30 yards out, Yohan Cabaye smashed a sensational free kick in off the crossbar and a yard over the line. Cabaye and his teammates, adorned in their new Virgin Money-sponsored shirts, celebrated wildly in front of the boisterous Strawberry Corner, as SJP erupted in unison.
Fergie threw on Welbeck and Hernandez in an attempt to get his team back in the game, and for a 10-minute period after the second goal they hit United with wave after wave of attacked, only to be foiled by solid defending and a superb goal-line block by the magnificent Danny Simpson.
As the game wore on though, Man Utd looked less and less likely to get back into the match, and Phil Jones’ own goal on 90 minutes capped an incredible - and joyous - night for the Magpies.
It is difficult to pick out individuals from what was a sensational team performance, but Danny Simpson, Davide Santon and Demba Ba all deserve huge credit for their displays, never letting Fergie’s bunch of odious twats settle into their stride.
Cheik Tiote returned to his destroying best, and in Yohan Cabaye United surely have one of the best ball-playing midfielders in the country.
Credit to Pardew for picking the team up after the hammering at Liverpool, and, on behalf of Mags everywhere, a huge thanks to the team for bringing back pride to a sell-out SJP.
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