Newcastle midfield to be drug-tested (AKA Ipswich 0-4 NUFC)

It has emerged that the entire NUFC midfield are to be drug tested after appearing to show the hallmarks of a useful unit, the FA has confirmed today.

Kevin Nolan’s hat-trick and Ryan Taylor’s first decent free kick NOT against Newcastle have alerted the authorities who are confused by the improvement made by players who last season were unsure what a football was and whether they were supposed to kick it or eat it.

The standard of the opposition is deemed to be irrelevant.

Roy Keane has refused to comment.

Triggs was heard whimpering from the corner of his kennel trying to hide behind a Pedigree Dentastick.