April 2009
Alan Shearer Sacked!! →
Magpies pair handed boost →
Newcastle duo Kevin Nolan and Ryan Taylor are part of Alan Shearer’s plans despite being dropped from the squad against Portsmouth.
Toffees in for Toon ace →
Everton boss David Moyes is lining up a shock summer move for former England striker Michael Owen, according to reports.
Shiteseats Salutes You! →
Summertimes alright for Shite'ing
All
summertimes coming and we need ideas for stories etc for the upcoming months, we have a few but would value your input and we could bring your ideas to life…..
Cheers
SS’s
NUFC Manager Stats 1947-2009
Amazingly as I was looking at old stats regarding our beloved/hated/baldy/aggressive/spectacled wearing/fat/foreign/great managers (delete as appropriate) - I noticed that since KK left us in Jan 97 to the current day we’ve had 15 managers - that is 1.25 a year.
To put into context, if we went back from 1997 15 managers then the date would have been 1st May 1947 and the introduction of George...
Shiteseats - Swine Flu Advice #7
If you run out of petrol make sure you pick the right petrol station to lessen the chance of Swine Flu infection.
“I was driving along the road with the missus and we pulled over for some petrol and she all of a sudden went as stiff as a board and stated you cant stop here, im scared of getting Swine Flu, I took her by the arm and said Love it’s ok - the infection is in Mexico not...
Gerrard back for Liverpool game?
Arse.
Gateshead continue good run into Playoffs
Gateshead beat Southport at Haig Avenue last night to take the advantage in the Bsn Playoffs. Bogies men edged past Southport with an Armstrong goal in the 15th minute - next leg at the International Stadium at 5pm** (Sunday).
**Moved for an Athletics event earlier
Also in the news The Heeds Lee Novak wins 5 awards at end of season awards ceremony
Novak ended the regular season on 27 goals,...
Shiteseats - Swine Flu Advice #6
Whatever you do - If you get invited to (or win a holiday) in Mexico and can’t go, don’t do what I did and say “I’m f*cking pig sick!”
Just gives out the wrong Idea.
Shiteseats - Swine Flu Advice #5
Keep watching twitter for updates regarding celebrities with Swine Flu so you can avoid them at film premieres, shite magazine awards ceremonys etc……..
Shiteseats have the exclusive on some celebrities may already have contracted Swine Flu - these include, Amy Swinehouse, Gail Porker, Sam Hamm, Francis Bacon, The Kid in My Brother The Pig and Source Edge.
However more alarming some...
Shiteseats - Swine Flu Advice #4
Apparently the symptoms are that you definitley have it if your skin is covered in rashers…
Other symptoms include sweating, excessive body odour and laziness. This is why it went for so long unnoticed in Mexico.
Shiteseats - Swine Flu advice #3
In all seriousness if you have the symptoms os swine flu then please contact your local GP and get your ‘Oinkment’ on prescription ;)
(ppps this is not the advice of the World Health Organisation - but a fat geordie)
Shiteseats - Swine Flu advice #2
The team at shiteseats recieved an SMS about Swine Flu and it stated….
“Please guys go and check yourselves out for Swine Flu, I know you havent been to Mexico but you been with some pigs in your time!”
(pps this is not the advice of the World Health Organisation - but a ginger mackem!)
(Love you Stevo - you fat get!)
Shiteseats - Swine Flu advice #1
Remember all those long and boring bus/metro/train commutes, why not cheer yourself up by talking loudly on your phone about your recent holiday to Mexico then hanging up and blowing your nose loudly, wiping your eyes and hacking your guts up - all of a sudden a free carriage and a bit of peace!
(ps this is not the advice of the World Health Organisation ;))
Swine Flu hits Shiteseats
Apparently one of the team at Shiteseats has (self-diagnosis) been hit with Swine Flu and I quote….
“I woke up feeling like sh*te, runny nose, bad heed and lusting after Bacon, i sh*t myself and phoned NHS direct suspecting Swine Flu, anyway all i got on the line was crackling”
A definite case I reckon - could job its not a computer virus eh readers!
Owen wakes up and smells goals →
Michael Owen is confident he can wake up in front of goal and score again for Newcastle - starting against his old club Liverpool.
Owen out to stun Liverpool →
Michael Owen is determined to fire the goals that will keep Newcastle in the Premier League - starting against his old club Liverpool.
Enrique blow for Magpies →
Alan Shearer has admitted that Newcastle will be without Jose Enrique at Liverpool after he hurt his hamstring against Portsmouth.
Shearer to keep his troops battling →
Alan Shearer has promised fans Newcastle will scrap for survival until the end of the season after Monday’s 0-0 draw with Portsmouth.
13 Unlucky for some
So the game didnt go our way with our multi-million pound strikeforce looking about as deadly as a kitten armed with some cotton wool - anyway that was our 13th draw and could just about condemn us to the drop.
Sunderland need to get nothing on Sunday following our trip to Anfield and Hull need to get spanked at Villa in skys Monday night offering.
KTF
Walking home over the Millennium Bridge...
…pondering life in the Championship. Fuck.
Newcastle United 0-0 Portsmouth →
Portsmouth earned a deserved goalless draw at Newcastle to leave Alan Shearer’s side deep in relegation trouble.
Some Daft Council Complaints
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore. 3. It’s all the dog mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his...
Shearer set for striker boost →
Newcastle strikers Obafemi Martins and Mark Viduka could start the must-win game against Portsmouth on Monday night.
Home form the key - Shearer →
Boss Alan Shearer admits Newcastle must win Monday night’s clash with Portsmouth at St James’ Park if they are going to stay up.
Bad Karma or Sh*t Refs? →
The Worst in the League?
Heres some stats on how bad our season has been….
Gained the fewest wins this season 6 (equal with WBA)
Drawn the most matches this season 12
Won the fewest games from losing positions 0 (equal with Boro, Man City and Stoke)
Shown the most Red Cards 5 (equal with Spurs, Man Utd and Stoke)
Toon stars must believe - Shearer →
Alan Shearer has told his Newcastle players they must step up to the plate in the relegation battle when Portsmouth visit on Monday.
Shearer will do it his way →
Alan Shearer has said he has no interest in outside opinions on relegation-threatened Newcastle and will manage the club his way.
Gateshead FC - A season to be proud of....
A big shout ot to Gateshead FC - Ian Bogies team had an outstanding season on the BSN securing 2nd spot and now with a crack at the playoffs.
The results yesterday mean that Telford will now play Alfreton in the first Play Off Semi Final over two legs with Southport set to face Gateshead.
Next Games
Wed 29th (a) Southport BSN PO SF1st leg - 19:45
Sun 3rd (h) Southport BSN PO SF1st leg - 15:00
...
Sir Bobbys Charity match - its the 1990 WC Semi... →
Now is the time →
Now is the time for less talk, more walk.
Now is the time to wipe that smirk off all doomsayers who are enjoying our current plight.
Now is the time to forget the media shit slanging we endure day by day.
Now is the time for big wage players to PLAY for their money.
Now is the time to forget all the bad shite that has went on with our club this season.
Now is the time to pull ourselves from...
Probably bollocks...
In the usual manner of all rumours which circulate on the internet, a friend of a friend is good mates with Mr Shearer, and said friend-of-a-friend claims Shearer has told him there will be a big NUFC-related announcement on Monday/Tuesday.
Answers on a post-card for what it is, to PO Box Shite.
Sir Bobby Robson Charity Match →
Wor Bobby is having a fundraising game at St James during the summer for his Cancer charity.
No details have been released as to prices, however click the title for the jump.
Owen backed by Shearer →
Alan Shearer admits Newcastle have struggled to create chances since he was appointed as manager on an eight-game basis.
Barton close to return - Shearer →
Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton could return against Portsmouth on Monday by being named among the substitutes.
Stating the Obvious and Battlecrys!
So there will be tat on the seats in the singing section on Monday - fckin hell if placca scarves and bits of card can help win the match im all for it, but for me this is just another shite attempt by the so called upper management of the club to hide from the fact that the team must win and only they can do this, I and others up there have been behind the team 110% all season and despite some...
“Keano’s a good managerial signing for Ipswich, no matter how you look at...”
– Some Norfolk tit on BBC 606
FTM - Free Tat Mags! →
In the build-up to kick-off against Portsmouth, Toon fan and opera ace Graeme Danby will again be whipping up the crowd by performing The Blaydon Races on the pitch.
The stadium will also be filled with 52,000 black and white cards plus 20,000 flags to create amazing scenes as the players take to the pitch.
And 1,000 scarves will be handed out in the Leazes End singing corner where fans will be...
Magpies give trio a chance →
Alan Shearer is hopeful that Jose Enrique could return against Portsmouth on Monday, but Joey Barton and Steven Taylor could miss out.